I would be complex, I would be cool 他们会说我漫不经心，让人捉摸不透。 They’d say I played the field before I found someone to commit to 他们会说我处处生情，浪子风流。 And that would be okay 但如果是我的话， For me to do 他们都能接受。 Every conquest I had made would make me more of a boss to you 我的每次征服，都让光辉形象在他们心中停留。 I’d be a fearless leader 我是无畏的领袖， I’d be an alpha type 无人能敌的优秀。 When everyone believes ya, What’s that like? 当所有人毫不犹豫地相信你，那是一种什么样的感受？ I’m so sick of running as fast as I can, wondering if I’d get there quicker if I was a man 我讨厌在全力奔跑时，想到我若是个男人，我也许不需要跑那么久。 And I’m so sick of them coming at me again 我讨厌他们说三道四，陷我于困囿。 ‘Cause if I was a man 如果我是个男人， Then I’d be the man 我一定会是他们口中的那个人， I’d be the man 那个最强的领袖， I’d be the man 无人能敌的优秀。
They’d say I hustled, put in the work 他们会惊叹于我猛烈的工作势头， They wouldn’t shake their heads and question how much of this I deserve 没有名不副实的质疑，或鄙夷摇头。 What I was wearing, if I was rude 不介意我是否粗鲁，不关注我的穿着， Could all be separated from my good ideas and power moves 我的奇思妙想和给力行动，使我免于苛求。 And they would toast to me, oh, let the players play 他们将我的韵事谈笑而过，再敬我一杯酒 I’d be just like Leo, in Saint-Tropez 我就像是在圣特罗佩欢宴的Leo
I’m so sick of running as fast as I can, wondering if I’d get there quicker if I was a man. 我讨厌在全力奔跑时，想到我若是个男人，我也许不需要跑那么久。 And I’m so sick of them coming at me again 我讨厌他们说三道四，陷我于困囿。 ‘Cause if I was a man 如果我是一个男人 Then I’d be the man 我一定会是他们口中的那个人 I’d be the man 那个最强的领袖 I’d be the man 无人能敌的优秀
What’s it like to brag about raking in dollars 向人吹嘘自己富得流油， And getting bitches and models? 嫩模美女相伴左右。 And it’s all good if you’re bad 我的坏， And it’s okay if you’re mad 我的疯狂，最后都会被接受 If I was out flashin’ my dollas 可现实中的我若是挥金如土 I’d be a bitch, not a baller 这不是一场秀，一切都会烂透 They’d paint me out to be bad 他们只想把我的名声搞臭 So it’s okay that I’m mad 对于这一切，我能不能不接受？！
I’m so sick of running as fast as I can, wondering if I’d get there quicker if I was a man. 我讨厌在全力奔跑时，想到我若是个男人，我也许不需要跑那么久。 And I’m so sick of them coming at me again 我讨厌他们说三道四，陷我于困囿。 ‘Cause if I was a man 如果我是一个男人 Then I’d be the man 我一定会是他们口中的那个人 I’d be the man 那个最强的领袖 I’d be the man 无人能敌的优秀
Today is the last day of 2019, and all the emotional moments flood into my mind. I don’t know why I shed tears in the freezing wind, when I was walking alone in the streets of Seoul late at night. I can’t remember what is exactly in my mind when I jogged along the sea, with an empty stare into the boundless night sky in Hong Kong, with all the city lights burning bright. I can’t believe that I start to envision myself meeting my old friends again, but they always end up into ashes. I no longer look forward to love in the traditional sense, but enjoy the moment when an intense feeling is stirred by any human being that is beautiful, physically or intellectually. I have realized that few things in the world can make me feel truly happy, so I begin to appreciate the moderate sorrow that hovers around when I read books or write codes. I start to think about death every day, and show great interest in religions…
I have tried to shut down all the noises from the outside world, and explore my inner world, which is, in fact, horrifying. We occupy ourselves with heavy workload everyday, so that we could ignore the ultimate question: what’s the point of doing all this work? Is this what we really want? The answers to these questions are of so great significance that we avoid thinking about them, since we may not withstand the misery if the answers are not satisfactory enough. Our life is, after all, a short journey with no turning back.
In 2019, I traveled multiple places and encountered interesting people. Frequent changes in my life have made me a more independent adult, but at the same time I gained a deeper understanding of solitude. I am afraid of the stark reality that, I am completely alone throughout my life. The companion of the beloved and the influences of others’ opinions just exist in a short span of time. Our life has become a hustle and bustle in modern times, filled with various anxious desires, but those noises are pointless if we are reminded of our dooms. There’s only one thing important in my life, that is, what kind of person I want to be and how I think of myself.
I want to be a thinker, and ultimately an artist. I dream that I can make good use of my time and produce significant works, which may inspire or impress people generations after. Because of my great fear of perishment, I decide to extend my life through my work. It’s easily understandable that I want to be a thinker, given my pursuit in social science, specifically economics. My ultimate goal is to become an artist, which may be a manifestation of Nietzsche’s aestheticism. I have always viewed life as a great tragedy, but from an aesthetic perspective, I won’t indulge myself in sorrow. I accept my destiny to vanish, but I want the course completed with splendor. I aspire to finish my work not only with scientific value, but with beauty, just like any great artists play music so beautiful that they move you to tears. This artistic attitude will be an important feature of my career.
Some memorable moments for me in 2019:
A night view of Hong Kong from HKU
It was midnight, when I stopped doing my research projects in HKU library and prepared to go home. I took this photo when I walked past the platform, heading for the elevator. The city was so vibrant, even though it’s already around 24:00.
Yingtai Long in her lecture
It’s a great privilege to see Mrs. Long in person, as I was her avid reader back in my high school days. She’s an elegant lady with artistic glamour. Many mainland Chinese criticize her for not identifying herself closely with them and her dissents to the government, and the official newspaper lashed out at her attitude toward the Hong Kong event, saying that she only saw the eggs and turned blind to the walls. Those political turmoils do not affect my admiration of Mrs. Long.
In end of her lecture, she said that all the eye-catching headlines in the news are just temporary, what’s important is to cultivate ourselves aesthetically when we are still young, since our aesthetic ability and our inspirations will drain with the elapse of time.
main building, HKU
This was taken on the last day I stayed in HKU, and I was going to attend an academic workshop in the main building. I couldn’t remember the details of the professor’s presentation, but I clearly sensed how much I loved the way people critically comment on others’ works, the free atmosphere for research. I think I will revisit HKU someday, as a researcher.
Demonstration of Samsung employees, Gyeongbokgung Palace, Seoul
When I’m touring Gyeongbokgung Palace, which is next to Cheongwadae (Moon Jae-in ‘s office) , I witnessed a demonstration of Samsung employees. The demonstration is a civilized one, with people singing and shouting slogans. The democratic activities in South Korea are strictly monitored by the police, and you could be jailed by removing their posters. There’re protests against Moon Jae-in every week, in support of the U.S. Sarcastically, I met an old Chinese lady terrified at the sight of demonstration, asking me whether these people are related to Hong Kong.
Gwangjang Market
First time in my life that I realized it’s such a joy to visit markets. At the sight of various traditional snacks and cuisines in saturated colors, you just can’t but feel the happiness. Immersed in this warm atmosphere, I just want to sing an ode to our ordinary life.
Cheomseongdae, Gyeongju
A thousand-year old observatory for stars, built by a famous emperoress in ancient Silla. There’re many little hills in the background, and they are, in fact, tombs of the royal family, and the heights of hills are proportional to the power of central government. As the capital of Silla, this place must have been prosperous in history, but I was shivering at the bleak and desolate state. A strong sense of loneliness and helplessness seized me, and it lingered around even after I returned to the lively city of Seoul.
Searching for settlement in Gyeongju
Finally, I have almost finished my graduate school applications until today, as much as 500 dollar application fee has been sent to the USA (Lol). I have no idea whether I will be admitted to any of the schools, and I am still considering 1-year RA opportunities. Life is really hard and success is not guaranteed. Now, let’s take a rest and start working tomorrow in 2020.
My World 